Absurd Logic Health Gimmick Companies Expect You To Believe

You would think, given the obesity epidemic currently gripping America, those within the health industry would band together with scientists to, you know, help this country slim down its waistline.

But it turns out that’s a super silly thing to believe in, because the weight loss industry only cares about one thing: inventing ways to steal money from our desperate, chubby fingers. For example …

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Entry by Scott Laffey

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by Scott Laffey

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by Lolly~

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Entry by FredKelly

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Read more: http://www.cracked.com/photoplasty_2454_absurd-logic-health-gimmick-companies-expect-you-to-believe/

6 Weirdly Specific Ideas Movies Have About Normal Bathrooms

You know those little, “Real people never do shit like this!” moments that take you right out of the movie or show you’re watching? You never see more of these than when somebody walks into a bathroom. For example …

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People Constantly Have Serious, Sensitive Conversations in Public Restrooms

When’s the last time you talked to somebody in a public bathroom? Not just a cursory, “Nice dick you got there,” but a lengthy, emotional exchange of vital importance? Never, right? You’re there to squeeze out some waste and leave, and to avoid eye contact with anyone else there to do their shameful business. Also, it’s by definition a public place — even if the room is empty, your nemesis could be listening outside the door.

And yet for some reason, Hollywood thinks bathrooms are the perfect place to vent your frustrations about co-workers, detail vital plans, and make death threats in between dirty squirts. All sorts of movies from Pitch Perfect

… to Harold And Kumar Go To White Castle

… to freaking Spider-Man: Homecoming include scenes like this. The weirdest part is that the very worst-case scenario that would prevent you from shouting dangerous secrets over your confidant’s wet farts in real life happens in movies all the time. If you’re talking trash in a public bathroom, there is probably an 86 percent chance the subject of said trash-talk is in a stall eight feet away.

In RoboCop, Bob Morton and his best work-friend — apparently struck with the urge to take a good old-fashioned simultaneous piss, perhaps crossing the streams if they’re feeling whimsical — decide to loudly disparage their boss while they do it. Not only do they not check the stalls to see if their boss is maybe taking a deuce first, they totally ignore the other four employees in various states of waste release. Those guys know the boss is throwing out the morning glory himself in one of the stalls, and they quickly evacuate the bathroom as soon as talk turns libelous. Meaning, even if the boss didn’t happen to be there at that moment, there are plenty of other people who could have ratted them out.

Orion Pictures
“I expect my people to be better at evil scheming than this, damn it!”

Then there’s the even weirder variation of this …

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Quirky People Apparently Just Hang Out In Their Bathrooms At Home

Sitcom characters are almost entirely made of quirks. They have to be weird enough to be fun, but not so weird that it frightens us commoners — nobody wanted to see Kramer bite the head off a live pigeon. Hollywood has decided that the perfect way to convey this mild quirkiness is to have everyone hang out in their bathroom for hours at a time. It’s so prevalent that The Atlantic even ran a whole article about it.

The opening scene of Broad City‘s third season shows Abbi and Ilana using their personal bathrooms for literally everything:

That’s a good encapsulation of the fact that TV bathrooms are not just for pooping or crying; they’re for eating, exercising, talking on the phone, boning, knitting, more eating, weed smoking, dancing, and tons of just the sweetest bonding. All in a tiny, filthy New York City apartment bathroom. It’s the same deal in Girls, a show in which roommates bathe together and hang out while one of them is on the toilet. They also have group meetings in the bathroom (Slate did a deep dive into how much of that show’s plot takes place in the girls’ crap station).

In other shows characters sleep in bathrooms …

20th Television

… eat wheels of cheese …

20th Television

… have important meetings and debates …

… and basically do everything short of move their TV in there. OH WAIT!

They include so many such scenes that it has given birth to its own sub-trope, in which …

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People Bond By Sitting Together In A Bathtub, Fully Clothed

The only reason you should ever be fully clothed in a bathtub with other people is if you’ve been murdered or you’re training your Olympic bobsled team, yet for some reason it tends to happen in movies quite a bit. Characters love to sit fully clothed together in a bathtub and bond as they talk about their lives, hopes, dreams, and how they don’t even own enough towels to get them dry now.

You probably saw Superman climb into the tub, fully clothed, to join a bathing Lois Lane:

But at least one of them had gotten undressed first. In Garden State Natalie Portman and Zach Braff bond over Braff’s mom dying while in a dry tub, aka the most uncomfortable seat in the building. The floor would be better than that, guys!

In Paper Towns, the popular girl and the protagonist only become friends after a good fully clothed bathtub session.

And in Big Fish Albert Finney and his wife accept his impending death via some good old-fashioned fully clothed tub time.

This isn’t just a Hollywood thing, either; it’s such a common fashion shoot setting that there’s an entire collection of photos called “hot people in bathtubs wearing clothes” in which said people eat, drink, and answer telephones, all fully clothed in a bathtub — sometimes with water, sometimes without. Wait, is this a fetish? Are some of you masturbating to this right now? Some of these people are wearing shoes, does that make it hotter for you? We have so many questions.

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People Are Constantly Talking Their Reflections Into (Or Out Of) Sex

So imagine you’re about to have sex, and you’re waiting in the bed while your partner is in the bathroom. Through the door, you hear a muffled voice. You lean closer (“Is he on the phone? Did he stop to call his Mom?”) only to hear what sounds suspiciously like said partner giving him-or-herself a pep talk into the mirror. At that point you’re either having some serious doubts about this encounter, or you’re living in a movie universe, in which case you fully expected it.

When Pulp Fiction‘s Vincent Vega gets into a sexually tense situation with his boss’s wife, he has to go into the bathroom to talk out the moral implications with his mirror image. Based on what he says, apparently the only way to convince his erection to deflate is to yell at it in a mirror (as opposed to just looking down). He even makes a deal with his boner to jerk it off later, like he’s pleading with an unruly child:

In Gigli, Ben Affleck’s character apparently needs to talk himself into sex by flexing and yelling into the mirror. Somehow, watching his angry, young body all swollen and red is the perfect motivator to get out there and engage in some turkey time with a lesbian Jennifer Lopez. His speech is full of inspiring quotes like, “Get the bull by the horn. You know what I’m talking about? I’ll give you the horn. Want to see the horn?”

Similarly, Paul Rudd’s character in Wanderlust has to practice his dirty talk out loud, by saying it to his own mirror image. As always, this is played for laughs, but the underlying joke seems to be, “We’ve all been here, right, guys? We all have to pump ourselves up in front of a mirror like Dirk Diggler stoking himself up to shoot some porn.” No! We don’t! No one does!

Just as a matter of common sense, are none of them worried that the very person they’re trying to seduce will hear them? They’re in the next room! These doors are not insulated for sound at all. It’s almost as if, say, the writers don’t trust the actor to convey his or her trepidation without having them just openly state it into a mirror.

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Nobody Rinses Their Mouth After Brushing Their Teeth

Quick! What’s the process for brushing your teeth? We humbly suggest you should: Wet the toothbrush, put toothpaste on it, run it over your teeth, think about how you haven’t been to the dentist in eight years, spit, rinse out your mouth, and then go about your day. It’s a pretty straightforward process that really shouldn’t change no matter how fantastical the world of your movie is. Presumably Legolas brushes his teeth just the same as Luke Skywalker. Yet, almost every cinematic toothbrusher fails to complete that list. Specifically, every movie character forgets to rinse out their foaming, mint-filled mouth at the end.

For example, the seminal cheerleading classic, Bring It On, has an entire, cutesy teeth-brushing scene where the future Mary Jane Watson and her nubile lover clean their teeth side by side, spitting multiple time. Suddenly, lover boy finishes brushing, wipes his mouth, and leaves the bathroom as if they’ve completed the entirety of their nightly foreplay. Rinse! Rinse you pig!

Will Ferrell’s character in Stranger Than Fiction is so meticulous about every step of his brushing process that he knows exactly how many times to brush each individual tooth. But we’re supposed to believe he’s totally cool just leaving all that sudsy shit in his mouth all day like a rabid Old Yeller who’s seconds from being shot to death by a child?

The Devil Wears Prada manages to show Andy spitting out her toothpaste (which magically hasn’t foamed in the slightest) …

… but, again, no effort to rinse. You mean to tell us that during her entire, stressful day of picking out stylish outfits for Satan (we haven’t seen the movie) Andy’s mouth is crammed full of gummy toothpaste? How can she recite Satan’s prayer if her tongue is constantly sticking to the roof of her mouth?

This is one of those situations where filmmakers have decided this extra three seconds would be wasted time (in a scene in which you’re already watching somebody brush their teeth) so they just skip it … but we’re telling you, it’s one of those things you can’t unsee once it’s been pointed out. You’re welcome!

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Nobody In Movies Tests The Temperature Of Their Shower

Showers are like the kids from Harry Potter, it takes a really long time for them to get hot. The first water out of the showerhead is the several cold gallons that have been sitting in the pipes all night, before the good stuff from the hot water heater arrives. Most people will thus turn it on and take care of other business for half a minute before testing the temperature with a hand, then finally stepping into it.

Not if you’re in a movie, goddammit! Before you even crank the knob, you’re going to get naked and stand under the showerhead, then turn it on and, without so much as adjusting the temperature, let it splash down on you. Here, let’s just start with the most famous shower scene of all time:

In Psycho, the Psycho remake, and the Scream Queens homage, she stands there and lets a blast of ice-cold water blast her in the boobs. Hannah from Girls does the same thing in a scene that somehow features less Lena Dunham nudity than usual; Seinfeld does it in that episode with a whole B-plot about Kramer’s apartment’s water pressure:

Yes, the whole joke is that he was hilariously taken by surprise by what his shower did because he didn’t test it first. Hey, Kramer — this is a lesson those of us in the real world learn after our very first shower in childhood! You live in a constructed universe of cruel nonsense logic!

Jordan Breeding also writes officially for Paste Magazine, unofficially on the twitter and his blog, and with a careful eye for seeing between the cracks in bathroom stalls.

We’ll tell you one thing that doesn’t go on in bathrooms…this awesome panini press for $11.65

For more things Hollywood apparently has no idea about, check out 20 Lies You Believe Thanks to ‘Realistic’ Movies and TV Show and 6 BS Psychology ‘Facts’ (You Believe Because Of Movies).

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Read more: http://www.cracked.com/article_24992_6-weirdly-specific-things-movies-thinks-people-in-bathrooms.html

8 Original Boy Scout Badges Modern Adults Couldn’t Earn

I was a Boy Scout, and though I could never muster the energy to get involved in my community enough to make Eagle rank, I definitely remember the Merit Badges. The best scouts had a sash full of ’em. The more you had, the more likely your Dad was the Scoutmaster. It was a cool idea, but some of them were too easy to get. For example, the one for Engineering asks you to list ten electrical appliances in your house. It’s not much of a challenge when one of the requirements is literally “write down the contents of your kitchen.”

In 1911, though, things were a little different. I accidentally stumbled upon the original Boy Scout handbook, and the requirements for some of the William Taft-era merit badges vary from mundane insanity to the regular kind of insanity. We’ve already discussed how badass the Scouts used to be, but after reading this list, I understand that you had to be a major badass to simply survive getting your merit badges. Badges like..

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Agriculture – Grow A Fucking Acre Of Corn

A common staple among 1911 badges is bullshit requirements, asking you to “be able” to do something without actually proving you can do it. The first Merit Badge for Agriculture is a good example:

3. Be able to identify and describe common weeds of the community and tell how best to eliminate them.

4. Be able to identify the common insects and tell how best to handle them.

5. Have a practical knowledge of plowing, cultivating, drilling, hedging, and draining.

6. Have a working knowledge of farm machinery, haymaking, reaping, loading, and stacking.

It asks Scouts to know some basics about crop husbandry, and that’s about it. There’s not even any quantitative guides given. I’m sure I could name a handful of insects and weeds and the ways to handle them (mosquitoes, ants, daffodils; BURN THEM ALL!). I don’t know dick about haymaking and reaping, which, at first glance, sound less like farming terms and more like the Mass Effect: Andromeda quests that I always ignore.

Oops, I skipped steps 1 and 2. Let’s me just scroll up and see-

1. State different tests with grains.

2. Grow at least an acre of corn which produces 25 per cent. better than the general average.

Holy shit. The first Boy Scouts had to grow a fucking acre of corn to get this badge? I’m not even a hundred percent sure how much that is, but unless you already own a working farm, that’s like … impossible right? I just looked it up. An acre is 16 tennis courts. 16 tennis courts of corn. And if your Dad was a farmer, everyone would know you just cheated. I mean, how would you grow any cornfield bigger than a garden without that infrastructure already in place? “At least an acre.” That’s the bare minimum, boys. Sorry about any other activities that you wanted to take part in this year.

I didn’t even mention that apparently this child would have to produce a yield 25 percent better than the general average. So what if little Jimmy produces corn at 24 percent better than the general average? Guess what, you just wasted 60 to 100 days planting and harvesting 40 bushels of corn. Fuck you, Jimmy. No merit badge for you. Try again next crop.

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Angling – Catch 10 Fish With Homemade Rods

Now, I have some country in me. I’ve been to Maine. I’ve fished before. But my fishing rods had cartoon sharks on them. I have no idea how to do any of this.

To obtain a merit badge for Angling a scout must

1. Catch and name ten different species of fish: salmon or trout to be taken with flies; bass, pickerel, or pike to be caught with rod or reel, muskallonge to be caught by trolling.

2. Make a bait rod of three joints, straight and sound, 14 oz. or less in weight, 10 feet or less in length, to stand a strain of 1-1/2 lbs. at the tip, 13 lbs. at the grip.

3. Make a jointed fly-rod 8-10 feet long, 4-8 ozs. in weight, capable of casting a fly sixty feet.

Look, at it’s most basic a fishing rod is just a spooled line attached to a stick, but it seems like you need some pretty specific materials to make rods to these specifications. At least when we had to build Pinewood Derby cars, the Boy Scouts conveniently had building kits (rectangular blocks of wood and some plastic wheels) ready-to-buy. Can’t give these kids a stack of prepared wood to work from, or, well, anything, for that matter?

Oh, and you need to go catch ten different fish, and only in certain ways. God help you if you catch a trout with a reel, or a muskallonge without posting Internet comments.

4. Name and describe twenty-five different species of fish found in North American waters and give a complete list of the fishes ascertained by himself to inhabit a given body of water.

Next time you are near a body of water, please peer down into the depths and give me a complete list of every fish hiding in there. Don’t cheat, or we’ll knock you back down to Cub level.

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Archery – Recreate The “Blot Out The Sun” Scene From 300

Archery has always been a staple of Boy Scout camps and the most boring portions of the Olympics. Today, there is a surprising amount of technology involved, much more than there was in 1911. So it’s puzzling that one of the steps to get this badge back then (after making your own bow, of course!) was to practically recreate that scene from 300 where the Persians blot out the sun with their arrows.

To obtain a merit badge for Archery a scout must

1. Make a bow and arrow which will shoot a distance of one hundred feet with fair precision.

2. Make a total score of 350 with 60 shots in one or {25} two meets, using standard four-foot target at forty yards or three-foot target at thirty yards.

3. Make a total score of 300 with 72 arrows, using standard target at a distance of fifty yards.

4. Shoot so far and fast as to have six arrows in the air at once.

Here’s Lars Andersen, a master archer from Denmark claiming to break the world record for having the most arrows in the air at once before one comes down. He gets 11 up there before the first one hits the grass, in about seven seconds. That’s with a modern bow and arrow from what I assume is at least a mid-grade bow and arrow store. The Boy Scout Manual wants these kids to get to half of the world record from 100 years in the future with a goddamn homemade bow. The first time traveler will be a Boy Scout from the early 1900s, desperate to meet the ludicrous standards of a mad book that is trying to kill him.

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Architecture – Design A House To The Standards Of A Contractor

Scouting requires a lot of hands-on training. You’ll learn how to tie knots, whittle sticks, and … design a two-story house, apparently.

To obtain a merit badge for Architecture a scout must

1. Present a satisfactory free-hand drawing.

2. Write an essay on the history of Architecture and describe the five orders.

3. Submit an original design for a two-story house and tell what material is necessary for its construction, giving detailed specifications.

1911 wasn’t exactly devoid of two-story houses, so good luck creating an original design that isn’t some kind of Frank Lloyd Wright monstrosity. What kinda house would an eleven-year-old boy build anyway? The staircases would be made out of roller coasters. It wouldn’t be “right.” But don’t forget to detail every single material that you plan on using, even if it’s fucking Gingerbread.

While you have all those building materials handy, you can probably grab Pioneering while you’re at it, which only requires you to construct a whatever-the-fuck three-person shack next to your two story house and then build a modern bridge between ’em.

4. Build a modern bridge or derrick.

5. Make a camp kitchen.

6. Build a shack of one kind or another suitable for three occupants.

Or a derrick if that’s too hard. Do you guys know what a derrick is? It’s this thing:

Egeswender/Wiki Commons

At this point, I’m pretty sure the Eiffel Tower was knocked out by a boy scout over the weekened, so he could get started on his “discover perpetual motion” badge.

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Civics – Harder Than The U.S. Citizenship Test

When it comes to local politics, the most advanced information you have to know for your modern Citizenship badges is who your Congressmen are. And depending on how much Fox News your Dad watches, you probably already know their nicknames. Back in the day though? You better be able to rattle off every elected official that represents you and draw a map to all their offices, probably so you could find them and apologize for your sudden, rampant corn planting and for decimating the local fish population.

6. Know how the governor, lieutenant-governor, senators, representatives, or assemblymen of his state are elected, and their terms of office.

7. Know whether the judges of the principal courts in his state are appointed or elected, and the length of their terms.

8. Know how the principal officers in his town or city are elected and for what terms.

9. Know the duties of the various city departments, such as fire, police, board of health, etc.

10. Draw a map of the town or city in which he lives, giving location of the principal public buildings and points of special interest.

I could probably stumble through step 6 with some hints, but then you’ve lost me. If I’ve ever voted for a judge in my life, it was by accident. I’m pretty sure my town is run by a board of selectmen, but I have no idea what that even means and wouldn’t recognize them if I hit one with my car. Unless you are insanely politically active (you know the ones by their Facebook feeds) there is simply no way the average American adult would know this stuff. The only reason I know where the town hall is is because of my yearly dog license fee.

To obtain a merit badge for Civics a scout must

1. State the principal citizenship requirements of an elector in his state.

2. Know the principal features of the naturalization laws of the United States.

3. Know how President, Vice-President, senators, and congressmen of the United States are elected and their terms of office.

4. Know the number of judges of the Supreme Court of the United States, how appointed, and their term of office.

5. Know the various administrative departments of government, as represented in the President’s Cabinet.

Even the top-level info is pretty tricky. Who are the electors? Are they elected or chosen? (Am … am I an elector??). Don’t get me wrong, all of this stuff is actually really important to know, and the fact that little boys were expected to know this 100 years ago explains a lot about our current predicament. But it’s hard to condemn our citizens’ ignorance when I’m not convinced our own President knows the various administrative departments of government.

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First Aid – Treat Actual Horrific Injuries

This can’t be too bad. You make a sling, and you go home, right …

2. Carry a person down a ladder.

Hold on. This doesn’t say “demonstrate” or “explain how to.” You actually have to do it. A preteen boy has to carry a person (things that typically weigh as much as an average person) down a freakin’ ladder? The Hell does that even have to do with First Aid? I feel like just this is enough to warrant its own “Break Your Own Spine” merit badge.

3. Bandage head and ankle.

4. Demonstrate treatment of wound of the neck with severe arterial hemorrhage.

5. Treat mangling injury of the leg without severe hemorrhage.

6. Demonstrate treatment for rupture of varicose veins of the leg with severe hemorrhage.

What the … are they are all like this? Unless they add “10. Call 911, before passing out at the sight of blood” right now, I am not going to be able to check off a single one of these.

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Ornithology – Find Every Goddamn Bird In Your Neighborhood

It’s birdwatching. How fucking hard could that be?

To obtain a merit badge for Ornithology a scout must

1. Have a list of one hundred different kinds of birds personally observed on exploration in the field.

2. Have identified beyond question, by appearance or by note, forty-five different kinds of birds in one day.

Oh OK. You just have to sit around waiting for every species of bird in your neighborhood to come strolling on by like it’s Pokemon Snap. There aren’t 100 different birds at the zoo, let alone in my damn backyard. The badges for Forestry, Mining, and Stalking require an equally ridiculous observation of trees, minerals, and shrubs, respectively. You know, just in case the meandering obsession of Birdwatching wasn’t enough and you’re in the market for more bullshit counting.

And don’t even think about mis-characterizing a white-throated sparrow as a tufted titmouse. This shit needs to be beyond question, folks. Forty-five birds in one day. 100 percent accuracy. The rest of this list comes off like it’s a script that eventually reveals the Scoutmaster to be the bad guy .

3. Have made a good clear photograph of some wild bird, the bird image to be over one half inch in length on the negative.

“What?! You found 45 birds? FINE! Try taking a perfect picture of one!”

4. Have secured at least two tenants in bird boxes-

“Damn! Oh ya? Good luck capturing … TWO birds in boxes! AHAHA!”

4. Have secured at least two tenants in bird boxes erected by himself.

“-AND BUILD THE BOXES YOURSELF!”

5. Have daily notes on the nesting of a pair of wild birds from the time the first egg is laid until the young have left the nest.

“Nooo! Bet you can’t catch some bird parents in the act of giving birth and then stalk them every day until all the kids have moved out of the house!”

6. Have attracted at least three kinds of birds, exclusive of the English sparrow, to a “lunch counter” which he has supplied.

“That’s … that’s impossible … Here … take the damn badge. If … you convince three of them to have lunch with you. And NO SPARROWS OR IT’S BACK TO START!”

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Pathfinding – Become a Walking GPS

A badge like Pathfinding is a great example of something that is both essential to what Scouting is all about and has unfortunately been made completely obsolete by today’s technology. It has since been merged into the more couch-friendly Exploration badge, but the original version asked Scouts to become a walking GPS.

To obtain a merit badge for Pathfinding a scout must

1. Know every lane, by-path, and short cut for a distance of at least two miles in every direction around the local scouts’ headquarters in the country.

2. Have a general knowledge of the district within a five mile radius of his local headquarters, so as to be able to guide people at any time, by day or night.

3. Know the general direction and population of the five principal neighboring towns and be able to give strangers correct directions how to reach them.

I’d be impressed if someone knew all of the shortcuts in Mario Kart. I’d be really impressed if someone knew the location of every Target within five miles. And I’d be fucking floored if I mused aloud in my driveway where the nearest damn Wendy’s was while fumbling with my phone, and a little boy in a uniform came out of the bushes, gave me the exact street directions complete with shortcuts, and walked away into the shadows.

In addition, this Merit Badge requires Scouts to somehow count the number of cattle and horses at all the nearby farms, know the history of every public building in his town, and then put all of the above on a map. So yeah, walking GPS, library, and local farm trespasser.

Well, there you have it. The eight hardest OG Merit Badges. I’d bet my WEBELOS neckerchief that no modern Boy Scout could get any of these. If you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go try and finish up my Personal Health badge, the only way God intended:

4. Describe the effect of alcohol and tobacco on the growing boy.

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Read more: http://www.cracked.com/blog/8-badges-that-prove-original-boy-scouts-were-badasses/

6 Healthy Habits That Could Be Doing You More Harm Than Good

Why does everyone think theyre like, the healthiest person in the world? If you did one spin class, stopped at Sweetgreen afterwards, and suddenly think you’re worthy of starting some #fitspo Instagram account, you need to chill. People (not me) need to realize theyre not qualified to be giving health advice online, and tbh most things people believe to be super healthy are just wrong. The internet is filled with a lot of bullshit wellness advice, so were here to set the record straight, starting with these six habits that you need to get over.

1. Eating A Super Early Dinner

Someone once made up a lie that eating late at night makes you fat. I mean, if youre ordering Chinese Fast Wok at 11pm, youre probably not the face of health, but food timing doesnt actually matter. Some psychos people like eating early because they dont like going to bed feeling super full, but there are actually no proven health benefits to eating dinner at 6pm. Like, yeah it’s the one time you’ll get a Sugarfish reservation, but its not actually making you lose weight. In fact, a lot of people eat an early dinner and then get hungry for a snack later on, so they end up eating more than they would have if they just waited a couple hours to eat in the first place.

2. Going On High-Fat, Low-Carb Diets

The newest fad seems to be these weird high-fat, low-carb diets. People swear by the Ketogenic lifestyle, which basically means eating no carbs and just pounding meat and avocados all day. I mean, its not healthy. Just because Demi Moore lost a few pounds on the Atkins diet doesnt mean its right for everyones body. The theory behind these diets is that your body goes into ketosis (which sounds like a serious condition but what do I know), so your insulin levels lower and your body burns fat quicker. Were not here to question some scientists in a lab in Missouri, but youre better off skipping the extreme high-fat diets and just eating a balance of fats, protein, and carbs. Like, try eating a vegetable for once in your life.

3. Doubling Up On Workouts

With ClassPass leading the nicegirl fitness community and your local SoulCycle front desk staff offering you free classes, people are doubling up on workouts, thinking theyre being fucking heroes for staying on a spin bike for 90 minutes straight. I mean, we get the logic behind it: The more exercise you do, the more calories you burn, so the skinnier you get. However, your body isnt a calculator, and the extra workouts could just be depleting your metabolism completely. If youre doing an excessive amount of cardio, you could be overtraining your body and slowing down your metabolism, which will actually make you gain weight in the long run. Stick with one class. Like, how much free time do you have?

4. Eating A Ton Of Protein

Protein is another trend that has gotten v popular recently. All of a sudden, your grandmother is eating protein bars, 90-pound models are buying bodybuilding protein powders, and your favorite peanut butter brand is adding whey protein isolate to their products. Everyone thinks we need an excessive amount of protein to be healthy, and its just not true. Obviously protein is good for us and we need it to survive, but you dont need to be adding in protein supplements to everything you eat. Its important if youre looking to put on some muscle, but if youre replacing fruits and veggies with Quest Bars, youre overdoing it. The average American eats way too much protein in the first place, which could, in the future, lead to issues like an increased risk for diabetes and kidney problems. Just saying, you probably don’t need that protein powder in your smoothie anyway.

5. Avoiding Egg Yolks

People in the 80s started shunning egg yolks from healthy diets in fear of high cholesterol levels. Nowadays, that myth has been completely debunked, but people still seem to hate on egg yolks. While its true that egg yolks have a tiny bit of fat in them and egg whites have none, there are a ton of health benefits to the yolks, like iron, folate, and a ton of essential vitamins. Eating the yolk isnt going to give you heart disease or make you fat, so stop stressing about only ordering egg white omelets if you dont even like them. Order the regular omelet.

6. Obsessing Over Superfoods

The whole superfood craze has become a little insane. We have nothing against some green juice and quinoa every now and then, but just because Gwyneth Paltrow swears by her daily goji berries, it doesnt mean we should start doing the same thing and think we’re gonna look like her. Were not saying superfoods arent good for you, but you shouldnt be loading up on aai bowls just because you heard they have antioxidants in them. Do you even know what an antioxidant is? Like, if youre literally sprinkling chia seeds on everything you eat just because you heard that Kourtney Kardashians trainer told her to do that, youve gone too far. 

 

Read more: http://www.betches.com/6-healthy-habits-that-are-doing-more-harm-than-good

Brad And Angelina Are Reportedly Getting Back Together

While most of the world is still recovering from the tragic news of Chris Pratt and Anna Faris breakup, we, the hard-hitting journalists of the world, have different celebrity couples to move on to. Namely, Brad and Angelina, and why they might not be calling it quits after all.

Are you okay? Did you faint? Yes, you read that correctly. Brangelina, power couple of the century, adopters of seven million children, human rights pioneers, might be giving it another shot. Lets discuss.

Its been 11 months since Angelina first confirmed the divorce was happening, when she said that it was for the health of the family. The world momentarily stopped turning and we definitely shed a tear or 100, but now there are new developments. According to reports, they havent moved forward on the divorce in several months, and it seems unlikely that they will anytime soon.

Sources say that Brad got sober to try and win Angie back, which sounds like no fun but also, like, good for him. Angie supposedly read about his changes in his story in May and had a change of heart. What, he couldn’t just text her that he was sober or slide into her DMs like a normal person? Whatever. In the story, Brad repeatedly uses boozing as a verb, which makes us slightly uncomfortable in the way that our dads saying “lit” makes us uncomfortable, but its the thought that counts.

Also, last month in an interview for , Angie said that the divorce has been the hardest time, and were just kind of coming up for air. What does all this mean?? Why are all these developments happening through magazine interviews? Sorry to all you girls who are still Team Jen Aniston, but it looks like Angie and Brad might be back together. Thank god. Just when I was starting to think love is a construct invented by the film industry and we’re all sitting in a rock hurtling through space *puts down blunt*. Now I can die happy, as long as this doesn’t mean a sequel.

Read more: http://www.betches.com/brad-pitt-angelina-jolie-getting-back-together-reports

5 Ways The Modern World Makes Mass Murder Easier

OK, Christ, let’s get one thing clear here: The internet isn’t a bad thing. At no point will the world become a cartoonist’s caricature of some smoldering dumpland surrounding a cow pen of millennials checking their smartphones. I get that no one under the age of 70 wants to hear some hand-flailing diatribe about the dangers of modern conveniences or how video games and Twitter turn supple minds into itty Patrick Batemans (Batemen?). It’s horse poop.

But also horse poop: pretending that society has lurched into a tubular hack-the-planet age without any detrimental consequences. And one correlation that’s always troubled me is the FBI’s report about the rise of spree shootings adjacent to the rise in the web’s popularity. While it would be horribly irresponsible to use that data alone to point fingers at the world’s favorite new cat and porn depository, there’s certainly enough circumstantial evidence to at least support suspicious squints toward your cable router. For example …

5

The Internet Attracts Depressed, Emotionless People (According To Science)

Like I just got done saying, the internet isn’t turning people into psychopaths, just as video games and movies aren’t. But to quote the great modern mind Skeet Ulrich: “Movies don’t create psychos. Movies make psychos more creative.” In other words, troubled people can draw inspiration and solace from anywhere, and science has found that one common place to hide has been the internet.

If a person tends to be introverted, or isolated, or generally uncomfortable dealing with other people (like I’m sure a lot of you reading this are), then the internet is a great place to find peace. There’s nothing wrong with that. But it also means that the more rejected from the world a person feels, the easier it it for them to live their life solely through a computer screen. And while we’ve only just begun to study the effects of this, what little results we have seem to indicate that excessive online use tends to go hand in hand with addiction, depression, impulsiveness, and anxiety. Getting more specific, things like online forums and file sharing tend to attract those with depressive personalities. In other words, you don’t have to be an isolated, depressed loner to enjoy 4chan and Reddit … but it helps.

And going back to the fact that these websites absolutely don’t turn you into a sociopath, they are fan-fucking-tastic if you’re already one of those to begin with. Forums and Twitter are great ways to pass the time if you have no empathy, considering how impersonal they can be. And you know who tends to fit into that? Teenagers. Specifically, teenage boys.

“Cognitive empathy” — aka the ability to relate to other people’s perspectives — is not something that develops right away in people. For girls, it happens around the age of 13, but for boys it tends to start a bit later … right around the time they become parentally untethered online. And while I’m totally speculating, it makes way more sense to me that the reason so many spree killers are young men isn’t that men are inherently terrible crime monsters, but that they are biologically more susceptible to violent actions in an age in which you can escape into a faceless digital world. After all, I remember being that age when the internet first became a thing (I’m fucking old, you guys), and can personally attest to the hours I spent on sites like rotten.com and Limewire seeing just how much my adolescent brain could take. That doesn’t mean I’m a psychopath, right? Right, guys? We wouldn’t want that.

And since my early days, it’s gotten easier to find not only just about any corner of darkness you want, but also a whole digital community lurking there with you …

4

Online Communities Make Unhealthy Interests Seem Normal

Hey, let’s say I’m really into pictures of cars having sex with dragons. Hypothetically, of course. Let’s say it really gets my hammer slamming to see a Toyota Matrix squat behind some nubile hydra and give it the full business. Twenty years ago, that’s something I would have to keep to myself, quietly understanding that it’s kind of messed up I would be into such things. Don’t get me wrong, I’d like to hope I wouldn’t be ashamed of my vehicular fetish, but it’s certainly nothing I could build a whole lifestyle around. With luck, one day I might meet a woman who shared my dark secret, and together we could dress up like Herbie and Draco and go buck wild on each other. Just a honking good time.

But today, I don’t have to worry about any of that. There’s already a Reddit community of over 3,000 people who share my interest:

I know, I know, it’s a joke subreddit. But let’s not get ahead of ourselves. The point I’m trying to make here is this: One of the strengths of the internet is that it unites people from all over the country and world … which at times is also one of the worst things about it as well. Because along with political advocates, LGBT groups, nerd communities, people who drink beer in the shower while naked (hey, NSFW), and any other innocuous lifestyles like cosplayers and furries, we’re also seeing the garbage unions of Nazis, child predators, animal abusers, weird-shaped egg enthusiasts, and a fucking 2,000-strong group devoted to Taylor Swift’s armpits:

Reddit
Which somehow forced the dragon-fucking out of top spot on the “weirdest fetish in this article” list.

This is something we’ve talked about before with online MRA groups. In the same way that a cult isolates and bubbles people into a false interpretation of reality, some online groups find the equally susceptible and gather them under one obsessive interest. And to keep repeating, it’s not that the internet is making them this way, but rather that it’s creating a nurturing place where those beliefs can be not only unchallenged but supported. Someone like an anti-vaxxer or Sandy Hook truther would be booed out of an everyday conversation, but online, they are not alone. Online, they have a community to assure them that what they are doing isn’t bat-dong wacky-sacks.

And then it’s only a matter of time before that person grows to believe that the rest of the world is the problem. Their awkwardness, isolation, and social anxiety is suddenly a justified reaction to a backwards society. It’s only a matter of time before they proudly lash out against the non-digital world, and what was once a quiet hobby becomes some dude fucking a neighbor’s Tegu dressed like a Transformer. Or, you know, a man shooting up Planned Parenthood after enveloping himself in anti-abortion YouTube videos edited to falsely assert that the organization sells baby parts.

And I know that it seems super weird to lump violence with joke subreddits about celebrity arm fetishes, but there’s a deliberate reason I’m doing this …

3

For Every Stupid Offensive “Joke,” There’s Someone Out There Taking It Seriously

Lemme tell you about being a young punk in the very liberal state of Massachusetts, which is what I once was. In order to rebel in a place like that, the goal was to be as offensive and politically incorrect as possible. And so derogatory bands like GG Allin, GWAR, and something terrible called “Anal Cunt” were often blasted with a smirk from my shitty car. It wasn’t necessarily that I believed the screeching lyrics, but rather that I enjoyed the immature shock value of it all. And while a lot of these bands were also simply in it for smirks, there comes a time when you realize that not everyone is interpreting them ironically. At some point, you find yourself moshing to a live performance of “Hitler Was A Sensitive Man,” only to notice that the dude next to you has a swastika tattooed on his chest. That isn’t to say I don’t still listen to bands like GG Allin, but rather that I do so quietly and in more personal, adult situations — like in the shower, or doing my taxes.

And as we sort of touched on before, this shock value is likely what a lot of 4channers and younger right-wingers think they are creating:

See, the joke was this: Pretend that certain symbols like the “OK” hand sign are Nazi salutes to freak out the media into thinking it’s real. Only guess what? “Pretending” something is a Nazi salute is ultimately the same goddamn thing as using an actual Nazi salute. And the more you do it, the more you end up attracting actual Nazis. Being “ironically” racist is just being racist, especially if you’re not building to any punchline beyond “Look how racist we’re being!”

And what comes next isn’t pretty. Ever hear of Alt-Reich Nation? It was a Facebook group all about “jokingly” posting racist and sexist memes. I say “jokingly” because its creator came out and clarified just that — as he put it to The New York Times, “Nothing is meant as true; we follow none of the beliefs.” And if you’re wondering why he had to make that public correction, it’s because one of their members recently stabbed and killed someone in what appeared to be a hate crime. But I’m sure he was just doing it for the lulz.

2

No One Can Tell You’re Being Radicalized If It’s Happening Online

Going back to my own edgy punkness (and frankly the reason this whole subject feels personal to me), I got into that genre and style because I spent my junior high years feeling like a complete outcast. And not the cool kind spelled with a ‘K.’ I gravitated toward something that turned my depression into energy, something that boosted my self-worth and made me feel part of a community.

So I can’t really say it’s a bad thing if young people are doing the same with the internet. However, what makes it vastly different is that before computers, taking part in a community meant being seen doing it. There was a level of accountability toward your family and friends. That goes for the unhealthy hate groups as well. It used to be that racist and violent groups congregated in a very visual way, and anyone joining would have to physically do so by attending rallies or shows or meetings. For communities and law enforcement and parents and peers, if someone became a white supremacist, that transition would come with a lot of huge red flags (ya know, like the swastika one). But now? Not so much.

A guy like Dylann Roof, who shot up the church in Charleston, certainly posed with his fair share of Confederate Flags and guns, but so do a lot of people. His indoctrination into violence and white supremacy happened quietly online, as it does for most everyone who joins some kind of hate group these days. It can be so goddamn under the table that a respectable member of society can not only be a part of a hate group, but fucking create one:

And what’s worse is that this problem is especially evident with law enforcement. That Mr. Roof? He had run into the cops multiple times in the past, even being questioned by the police for owning parts to a firearm. But since there was nothing physical linking him to any potential violence, there was no reason to keep an eye on him. Same with the Orlando nightclub shooter, whose neighbor flat-out reported him to the FBI for potential radicalization. They thoroughly investigated it and found no hard evidence, despite it being completely true. How did they miss it? Because it was happening online, while he was alone, with nobody noticing what was happening. He was radicalized into committing mass murder without leaving the comfort of his ergonomic office chair and microwave nachos. And while that certainly speaks volumes about the delightful convenience of the digital age, I’d like to hope you’re seeing what the big problem is here. Especially because these two instances aren’t the only ones by a long shot

1

Every Goddamn Modern Spree Killer Fits This Pattern

Guys. Literally every time some asshole suddenly kills a bunch of people with an ideological motivation, we find out that they belonged to some kind of online community spouting their exact motivations. Dylann Roof described in detail his long nights pouring through racist stories on the Council of Conservative Citizens webpage which eventually led him to be radicalized. The Oregon community college shooter from 2015? He declared his intentions on a 4chan thread he frequented (adjoined with a Pepe meme). The Dallas shooter who targeted cops? Yet again, he was a part of online hate groups and posted about the killings online. Remember Elliot Rodger, who went around targeting women in Isla Vista, California, killing seven? Not only did he post YouTube videos leading up to it, but he was also a member of anti-women forums online.

I can keep going. You probably don’t even remember the guy back in 2007 who shot up a megachurch in Colorado, killing four. He was a member of an anti-Christian site the feds were alerted to hours after the incident. And just recently, there was the unhinged and racist Portland train attacker, who was deemed too intense for a right-wing rally and kept to the internet instead.

Look, I really can’t stress this enough: Nowhere am I saying that the internet is changing sane people into racist lunatics. Nor am I trying to ignore the millions of other factors, like mental health care and gun control, which play into the uptick of spree killings. And to be honest, I can’t even offer a definitive solution beyond personal responsibility and attention toward people around you who may be troubled. But maybe it would be a good start to at least keep a compassionate eye on your friends and family, and be there to let them know that the non-meme world is pretty cool, too. Otherwise this will just continue, and not even our sexy lizards will be safe.

Ironically, follow Dave on his Twitter, where he spends a lot of his time.

Also check out We Asked A Mass Shooter Why The Hell This Keeps Happening and I Hunt Serial Killers: 6 Facts You Thought Movies Made Up.

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Read more: http://www.cracked.com/blog/mass-shootings-are-popular-modern-life-isnt-helping/

The 4 Most Underratedly Dark Scenes In Disney History

The name “Disney” is basically synonymous with the phrase “happily ever after.” Nearly every Disney movie ends with the main characters defeating the Big Bad, solving their magical problems, and getting married. We’re supposed to believe that everything will be fine from that point until the end of time (or at least until the inevitable, unnecessary live-action remake). But much to Disney’s chagrin, swelling the music and closing in on the comic relief doesn’t necessarily mean “happily ever after.” After the credits roll …

4

The Supporting Characters In Beauty And The Beast (2017) Are Left Emotionally Scarred

When Belle falls in love with the disgustingly malformed and horrifically rich Beast, she lifts the curse on him, turning him back into a handsome, still fabulously rich prince. This also lifts the curse that was placed on his completely innocent servants, who all return to their original human states, and are reunited with their loved ones … without any pesky concerns about bestiality or forniphilia.

After The Credits:

The live-action Beauty And The Beast differs from the classic 1991 animation in a number of ways, but one of the most glaring is that the curse causes the townsfolk to forget that there is a prince and a castle. As a result, they also forget about their husbands and wives who work there, and are being punished alongside their asshole boss for no particular reason. Not only that, but the servants have also had their memories wiped: they do not remember life before they became talking candlesticks/wardrobes/teacups. Not as long as they are cursed, anyhow.

All of a sudden, they recall that they have husbands and wives waiting for them in town (and vice versa), but what if there’s been some extra-marital romanticizing going on (ahem, Lumiere and Plumette)? It’s unclear how a candlestick and a feather duster can go heels-to-Jesus exactly, but what about the humans back in town? It’s been almost a decade since the spell was cast, and the townspeople have absolutely no recollection of their spouses having ever existed … it would be insane to think none of them have married other people.

The moment the castle staff are “saved” from this curse, people wake up to find that their spouses have led entire lives without them; moving on without even realizing they’d moved on. The townspeople are now racked with guilt over the double lives they’ve been forced into, and the staff will never trust another living soul again. Even worse, the staff are burdened by ten years’ worth of memories where they knew no other existence than being an animated household object. That’s a heavier burden than a few indiscretions with a feather duster. That’s a whole new kind of PTSD.

As humans, all of the supporting characters are going to have to wrestle with the knowledge that they used to be kitchen utensils, or used their heads to clean the inside of Beast’s chamber pot (or were Beast’s chamber pot) for over a decade.

3

Baymax’s Sensor In Big Hero Six Breeches All The Ethical Privacy Issues From The Dark Knight

When Big Hero Six‘s Hiro Hamada is tracking down the man who started the fire that killed his big brother, he has one piece of information to follow: the bad guy’s vital statistics. Because his big bro’s robot, Baymax, scanned him during their first encounter, Hiro has the arsonist’s height, sex, blood type, and cholesterol level. But how is Hiro going to use that information to find him? By upgrading Baymax’s sensor so that he can scan the entire population of San Fransokyo, at the same time.

It works. They find the bad guy and, after two more fights, they manage to get his ass thrown in jail, save his daughter, and go on to become beloved crime fighters. A happy ending if ever there was one.

After The Credits:

Except that Hiro has inadvertently created the biggest privacy vulnerability the world has ever known. Remember The Dark Knight, when Batman needs to find the Joker and resorts to using every phone in Gotham as a camera? The thing that makes Lucius Fox hand in his resignation? Baymax’s device is way more invasive than that. It learns a truly disturbing amount about everyone in that city, without their consent: blood type, allergies, mood, height, weight, sex, and hormone levels.

Sure, Baymax is a friendly robot who only wants to help people — but what happens when someone who wants to sell your info to health insurance companies just replaces the chip in his chest that “makes Baymax, Baymax,” and turns him into a soulless, mindless money-making machine to rival Peter Jackson?

2

The Humans In WALL-E Face Insurmountable Health Crises

WALL-E shows us what will happen when the Earth can no longer support life: We’ll jump into our spaceships, flee this stinkhole, and float about in space doing nothing but watching TV for generations. So basically just like now, but on a spaceship. When cute li’l clean-up robot WALL-E and badass scout-bot EVE discover that Earth is able to support life once more, they and Captain McCrea fight with the ship’s autopilot to get humanity back home where they belong. Once back on Earth, they begin the difficult but joyous task of reseeding the planet and making it habitable again.

After The Credits:

During the movie, it’s explained to Captain McCrea that the humans have spent so long in low-gravity that they have suffered serious bone loss.

Disney/Pixar
There is at least one weightlifter on the ship bragging about how much mass he’s gained.

That’s a problem that astronauts face in real life. The only difference is, real astronauts come back to Earth within months. In WALL-E, there are generations of people who have been born and raised on the ship. All you have to do is look at the physical changes in the captains:

Disney/Pixar
“Hey, can I take another one? Got photobombed by the goddamn steering wheel again.”

This would be fine (ish) if they decided to stay, but they don’t. In the end, the humans return to Earth. That “happy ending,” remember?

Here’s a quote from real-life astronaut Samantha Cristoforetti, a woman who left the planet in peak physical condition, about returning to Earth after being in space for 200 days: “For months, lifting my legs to run or walk was no effort at all. So now every time I take a step and have to lift the full weight of my leg it feels like lifting a tree trunk.”

Now imagine if your leg is the same size as an actual tree trunk.

Astronauts’ muscles all but disappear the longer they’re in space. Our astronauts take weeks or even months to recover from this, but the passengers in WALL-E have never used their muscles, even in lighter gravity. They just sit on their asses all day. This is perfectly illustrated when Captain McCrea gets a standing ovation for standing up.


Speaking of getting things up, where the hell are all these babies coming from?

Now consider the hardest-working muscle in the body (especially during a Pixar movie): the heart. In low gravity, blood isn’t constantly being pulled downward, which means it tends to pool in the chest and head. This causes astronauts to have puffy faces, and bulging blood vessels in their necks, but more importantly, it completely screws up your body’s earth-tuned circulatory system.

Upon returning to Earth’s gravity, astronauts often have circulatory problems and faint from not getting enough blood to their brains. Normal humans get hurt when we faint. The amorphous jellyfish-people in WALL-E would be lucky to survive it. Given the fact that they have almost no bones, and their BMI is off the charts, most of the humans would die within moments of the film’s conclusion, be it from atrophy, strokes, or heart attacks. By bringing humanity back to Earth, WALL-E has actually doomed the entire species. Their corpses would presumably then be considered garbage, and he would make some fantastically disturbing trash-towers.

1

Up‘s Dog Collars Bring Up Troubling Questions For All Of Human Society

Up is a story of unlikely friendships. Be the end of the movie, not only have widower Carl Fredricksen and scout Russell survived death-defying adventures, they’ve formed deep, lasting friendships. Both with each other, and with a dog named Dug, who can speak through an advanced electronic collar.


“Please do not castrate me, new owner.”

Having escaped the insane hunter trying to kill them, we close on our heroes back in civilization, sharing an ice cream: Carl, Russell, and Dug — aided by this new, incredible dog-translating technology.

After The Credits:

While the ending of Up is certainly heartwarming for its main characters, it has horrifying implications for animal lovers. The fact that collars can be made to translate Dug’s thoughts into human speech means that dogs have far more human-like intelligence than we’d ever dreamed. Do all pets?

That would make veterinary care a hell of a lot easier, albeit louder and more obnoxious. But hey, seen Westworld? That’s what happens when people suddenly discover a subservient life form is intelligent and self-aware. We’re not saying there would be a bloody canine uprising — those furry little bastards love us far more than we deserve. But we train and use service dogs: Do they all want that job? What happens if they can tell you, in plain English, that they don’t want to be a K9 unit? Do we force them? Is that now slavery? The ethical questions just get more complicated and disturbing the further down the chain we go. Up 2 better be produced by the folks behind Game Of Thrones.

Matt Cowan watches too many — and thinks too deeply about — Disney movies than is healthy. He sells T-shirts here.

For more movies that got horrifying after the end, check out 6 Happy Endings That Accidentally Screwed The Movie’s Hero and 6 Horrible Aftermaths Implied By Movies With Happy Endings.

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Read more: http://www.cracked.com/article_24920_beast-curse-ptsd-4-unaddressed-problems-in-disney-movies.html

An Insider’s Look At The Dark Underbelly Of Amusement Parks

There’s nothing better than an amusement park: The thrills of the roller coaster, the tastes of the fair food, the smells of that nice carny who wants to show you his van — truly, it is a park … of amusement. And then we made the terrible mistake of talking to the people who work there, and ruined all of the majesty. After they snapped out of their flashbacks, sweating and screaming, they lit a cigarette, and told us …

5

Brutal Fistfights Are Depressingly Common

Riding a roller coaster in the winter is like getting blasted in the face by an ice-shotgun, so theme parks tend to do most of their business in the summer. That comes with its own problems: Between the heat, the long lines, and the smell of taint sweat, tensions run higher than some of the guys operating the rides. Fistfights are basically guaranteed. Anthony, who used to work at a pretty famous amusement park, tells us:

“While working the line for [a roller coaster ride], a giant fight broke out because someone had saved a spot for their brother. The people behind them did not like it, and started yelling at them. The yelling turned into screaming, which turned into fighting. By the end the person who ‘cut’ had a broken nose and broken teeth.”

Things were pretty much the same at Worlds Of Fun in Missouri, where Nick used to work: “One time that sticks out is when I was working the guessing game, where I guess your age, weight, or birthday … One drunk guy comes waltzing up to me past all the people and asks, ‘Hey! How much is it to fucking play?! This game looks fun!'”

In nature, that guy would be rattling like a snake about now.

“I told him it’s five dollars, but you’ll have to go to the back of the line, a man and his daughter are up next. He says, ‘Fuck that! I wanna play now!’ ‘Sir, get out of the way, it’s our turn.’ ‘No! Fuck you!’ Then that dad hit the drunk guy so fucking hard. Knocked out fucking cold. Both people got kicked out of the park. I made sure that dad got a prize for his little girl, though. Dude deserved it.”

We’re sure the daughter had so much fun that day, and was in no way scarred by these events.

4

Do Not Eat Anything, Ever

If you’re a fan of corn dogs, Anthony is about to ruin your day — even more than your several-corn-dog lunch would:

“Regular practice in our kitchens — when we find rodent droppings — is to throw away only whatever the droppings are on.”

“We had a bad rodent problem, and any of our food that was OBVIOUSLY in contact with mice was thrown out, while food that could even be in the same bag was saved.”

… and then put on a plate/stick, and, eventually, inside your mouth.

Now, for various liability-related reasons, we can’t tell you exactly where Anthony worked, only that it was a super well-known park with locations all over the world. Not Disneyland, though, even if the rodent droppings would be a perfect thematic fit for them.

“Like many other corporations, the park was all about their bottom line,” Anthony continues. “They will try to save money any way possible, and that, unfortunately, usually was felt in our food services department. Our fryers were hardly ever changed, and the oil would be there months. I have also seen employees drop food on the ground, and continue to use it. I have no idea if their standards have gotten better, but I refuse to eat in the park anymore.”

Though to be fair to the park, you are supposed to be drunk when confronted with that decision.

3

Some Parks Operate On Slave Labor

Outsourcing jobs is old hat. Nowadays, all the cool theme parks are really into insourcing, i.e. hiring seasonal help from abroad for so little money, you’d have to double it to call it a “slave wage.”

“Our park participates in a foreign exchange program targeting economically depressed countries,” Anthony says, “like Turkey, and Thailand, to find students who want to participate in their foreign ‘work study’ program.”

Anthony was right to use quotation marks there, because the only thing foreign exchange workers actually studied was the art of grifting.

Foreign workers at Anthony’s park were brought into the country with promises of fun work, good pay, and all the drugs they could steal from the guy who runs the bumper cars. In reality, though:

“They are paid the same minimum wage we were, except 70 percent of their paycheck is given back to the park for room and board costs. However, each room held four or five students at once,” and taking 7/10ths of a person’s paycheck for the privilege of sleeping under a card table isn’t exactly moral.

“There was also a massive language barrier when they first come in. They are in the park for around six months, so eventually they start speaking English well. When we were all finally able to communicate, they spoke of how horrible their conditions were. They felt almost like prisoners in the camp,” and that’s hardly an exaggeration.

The park owners “didn’t sponsor the workers to fly to America to take these jobs,” Anthony explains. “More often than not, the workers have to take out loans, or get sponsorship to fly out to the U.S. The cost is around $3,000 to do so. Since they are being paid minimum wage and having their rent taken out of it, most workers end up not making enough to pay back the cost of what it took to fly out there.”

Well, that is pretty representative of the modern-day American experience. Good job, theme parks?

2

If You’re A Live-in Employee At An Amusement Park, They Own You

The problem with human employees is that they’re occasionally late, or get sick, or insist on having their own lives outside of work. That’s why theme parks cannot wait for current technology to catch up to Westworld. In the meantime, they just have to settle for housing some of their local workers in company dormitories as well, thus granting themselves an insane level of control over their workers’ lives.

Heather, who used to work at Cedar Point in Ohio, explains: “I lived in a dorm with three people … This way the park knows exactly where you are at all times, who your friends are, who you’re dating, probably who you slept with previously, and therefore shouldn’t work with. If they want you to come into work early, they’ll call you — knowing you live a mile and a half down the road and can get there, so ‘no’ is not really an answer.”

Hell, with a pair of binoculars, they could probably see what you were wearing. And then scold you because you weren’t wearing the park’s communal underwear.

“All of those things can, and will, be used against you (by housing or your supervision) if necessary, to get you to apply for a certain position, or to come in early or stay late, or to add a couple more weeks on to your contract.”

And if you don’t comply with all of Cedar Point’s requests, they might make you work while battling an infectious disease. Ha, just kidding! They might make you do that even if you’re a model employee.

“When I came down with pink eye,” Heather says, “my boss sent me to first aid, but first I had to finish my shift. But because of my condition, I wasn’t legally allowed at the control panels. Walked around all morning with a bottle of hand sanitizer, unable to take places at rides or help unbuckle seat belts because I couldn’t see and didn’t want to spread germs … At my clinic appointment, the doctor said ‘That’s pink eye. Wow. That developed overnight? This looks like you’ve had it for days. What job do you do?’ and upon hearing that I was in contact with children 10 hours a day, told me the only worse thing I could have said was that I worked with food … Sent me home for two days with antibiotics, effective immediately.”

1

A Lot Of People Die At Amusement Parks

So just how likely are you to die at a theme park? We don’t know. In fact, nobody does, because there isn’t a single federal agency responsible for investigating or counting fatalities at amusement parks. Yet strangely, there is one that governs how geographical names are used.

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Right now the best system is to avoid any ride where the exit is suspiciously close to emergency parking.

What we know for sure is that three of our sources saw somebody die at their park.

“Once, when I was working near The Detonator,” Nick says, “which is a tall ride that you sit in and it launches you upwards, someone had a heart attack and died right there. Those warnings about heart attacks on roller coasters, etc., are not fucking around … Another time, a teenage girl and a friend wanted to ride the Timber Wolf. It’s a wooden coaster with steep hills and such. Halfway through, her friend said she wanted to switch seats. So they tried, in mid-ride, and failed. She fell to her death.”

According to an informal survey, those were only two of around 1,200 accidents that occurred in America’s 400 parks in 2011. However, the survey came from the International Association Of Amusement Parks And Attractions, i.e. the parks themselves, which is a little like asking the NRA how many gun owners in America shot off their dicks. You know they’ll try to seriously low-ball that number.

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It’s particularly odd since so many parks are in Florida, which reports every fucking thing else.

Still, based on what Justin saw, some of those accidents were probably the fault of the victims:

“One night, a call goes out over the radio about a person injured on the Batman ride. This ride has the rider in a seat with their feet hanging free. At one point the ride comes out of a loop close to the ground and this woman’s leg and part of the seat assembly struck an employee [at 50mph] who had jumped over the fence and was in this prohibited area. There was no doubt he was dead, and nothing could be done except wait for the coroner. Upon inspection, his pockets were filled with a large amount of change. We figured he was attempting to collect the money that fell from people’s pockets and was in the wrong place at the wrong time.”

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And this kind of thing is why you don’t pay employees 30 percent of minimum wage.

According to Justin, this same ride also killed a teenager a year later, when he jumped the fence to get back the hat he had lost. A nearly identical accident happened at Anthony’s park — hat, suspended roller coaster, and all:

“There was a man who lost his hat on a ride, got off, and decided to jump over the fence to get it. He ended up getting hit by a car on our [suspended roller coaster]. One other case occurred at our water park. A man cut through the line, fought through guests and the lifeguards, and jumped down one of our tallest slides, which is almost a complete vertical drop. He tumbled over and landed on the fence below. He died.”

In conclusion, the biggest killers at amusement parks are idiocy and Darwinism. Don’t fuck with them and you’ll be OK. And maybe stay away from the corn dogs.

Anthony is a part-time teacher and podcaster and a full-time mythical Goat-Devourer. You can follow him on twitter @elchupacabradlx. Dominic Danzo is a former employee in Games at Worlds of Fun in Kansas City. Cezary Jan Strusiewicz is a Cracked columnist, interviewer, and editor. Contact him at c.j.strusiewicz@gmail.com or follow him on Twitter.

For more insider perspectives, check out 6 Things Nobody Tells You About Working at Disney World and 6 Hidden Sides of Disneyland Only Employees Get to See.

Subscribe to our YouTube channel, and check out Disney Thinks You Hate Poor People, and other videos you won’t see on the site!

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Read more: http://www.cracked.com/personal-experiences-2506-an-insiders-look-at-dark-underbelly-amusement-parks.html

Shut Up And Drink: Weekend Horoscopes July 21-23

Here we are again. Another weekend, another attempt to plan our future debauchery around the arbitrary movement of the stars and planets as they correspond to the date and time of our birth. Its kind of beautiful, isnt it? Will you be blacking out this weekend, or will you be staying in and catching up on all the shows you keep promising people youll watch? Will you meet your future husband, or will you drunkenly makeup with the fuckboy who will waste the next six months of your life? Theres no way to know. Just kidding! Yes, there is! You can look to the stars! And being that we adult, educated women would never do anything without consulting the heavens, lets dive into it so that you can make the absolute most of this midsummer weekend.

Aries

Word to the wise: every betch needs a side hustle. Dont know what yours is? Well this is the weekend to figure it out. If you have a skill or hobby, this would be the obvious choice, but dont let that limit you. There are thousands of mediocre Etsy pages out there peddling half-assed product and making actual money off of it, so why not you? Grab some chalk pens, watch a YouTube video about calligraphy, and start collecting those checks.

Taurus

Emotions are a crazy thing, Taurus. Crazy in the sense that no one wants to hear about them, but that doesnt seem to stop you from telling anyone in earshot about your latest breakdown. This weekend, reach down into your Irish roots and repress every emotion that tries to leave your body. Not Irish? For the next two days, you are. Its an easy one-step process where you drink alcohol anytime you consider talking about the way you feel. Give it a try.

Gemini

Some of your decisions lately have been sketchy to say the least. You arent really being yourself and its pretty goddamn obvious to just about everyone who knows you. Your friends. Your coworkers. That guy you ghosted three months ago who wont fucking quit. Literally everyone is on to you. This weekend, try getting back to basics. Maybe go out and do some of the things you used to enjoy and see if that spark is still there. People change, which is fine, so its possible this could be the beginning of the new you. But if it is, make sure the decision is yours alone and not being influenced by others.

Cancer

Youve been through a bit of a rough patch recently, Cancer.  Has this patch lasted the entirety of summer? Sure, but that doesnt mean your luck cant turn around now. Pretend this weekend is the first of the summer and dedicate yourself to having the best time ever. My advice would be to turn on by Carly Rae Jepsen and follow your instincts from there on out. Wherever Carly takes you is the place you need to be, and hopefully, that place is full of margaritas.

Leo

Birthday season is right around the corner Leo, which means all productivity is about to halt in celebration of the most important person in your life: you. Everyone knows that a Leo throws down for their birthday, and this year should be no different. This weekend, take some time to strategize the perfect birthday plan. Whether youre looking for an intimate gathering of your closest friends or an all-out party the likes of which could get you evicted from your apartment complex, there is only one rule: whatever you say goes. Stock up on the champagne and get ready for a month of celebrating.

Virgo

Virgo, it’s time to get loose and have some fun this weekend. No offense, but youve been pretty stale lately and this is the weekend that all changes. Make sure to pay attention to all the men around you, because one of them might turn out to be the man of your dreams. Or maybe just the man of the night. Or even just the man who keeps buying you shots of tequila. Either way, be a yes betch and have an amazing night that you’ll never remember. TBH, it probably for the best.

Libra

Libras have a tendency to throw down for their friends. Or their acquaintances. OR a girl they met in line for the bathroom whos just having a rough night. Its sweet in theory, but its also emotionally exhausting and a bit extra if were being honest. This weekend, try and be a little more judicious about the people you throw yourself on the line for. I know its going to be hard to not rush to the defense of every person you come across, but you just might make it through the weekend with your mental and physical health intact. Yes, it is in fact possible.

Scorpio

Yikes, Scorpio. Im not sure what exactly is going down this weekend, but I do know that its going to be shitty. At times it may seem like the world is ending, but this is where your friends come in with ample amounts of alcohol to assure you that its not. Unless you count the drifting icecaps and all but dont think about that right now. There is nothing more powerful than the will of a drunk girl trying to cheer up her sad friend. If science could bottle that kind of effort, the world would be at peace. Just sit back and try to keep your head above water; your friends should take care of the rest.

Sagittarius

This is a weekend of new experiences and new people, Sagittarius, and your only job is to go with the flow. Some if it may seem weird at times, but dont question it. If needed, employ some clichd mentality like youre only young once or its summer or I suffer from near constant existential dread and no longer fear the threat of death. You know, whatever works for you. Just keep an open mind and let the universe take care of the rest.

Capricorn

Love is in the air, Capricorn. You may have confused it for allergens or smoke from wild fires, but its love, we swear. Instead of going the usual route of avoiding that shit at all costs, this weekend try maybe, I dont know, being open to it? Its a wild concept but stay with me here. Rumor has it that some people open themselves up to others and actually enjoy it. Bible. For the next two days, you are one of those foreign people with no walls or emotional baggage. Lets see where it takes you.

Aquarius

The nostalgia is going to be real this weekend, Aquarius. Gross, right? Something about the weather, the stars, or the people will be taking you on a long trip down memory lane. It can be comforting to go back in time and remember the people who helped make you the person you are today. Or it can be horrifying. Guess theres only one way to find out. No matter the outcome, alcohol will be there to see you through it.

Pisces

I have one word for you this weekend, Pisces: you. Youve been doing the most these past few weeks and seem to only suffer for it, good intentions be damned. Your life right now is the truest example of no good deed goes unpunished, so its time to stop fucking doing good deeds. The next 48 hours should be a tribute to you and anyone whos not onboard can get tossed to the side. You deserve some unadulterated praise, and its about time you get it. Bless up.
 

Read more: http://www.betches.com/weekend-horoscopes-july-21-23

Usher Paid A Woman $1.1 Million For Giving Her Herpes And The Story Is So Gross

Remember when the early 00s seemed like a really good time to be alive? Christina Aguilera was making the ratchet hoe look popular and giving my 13-year-old self a reason to buy denim blue hair extensions from Claires. R&B was on the rise so your middle school dances were lit AF. Ah, what a time to be alive. But no more because it just came out that R. Kelly has a sex cult and now Usher is allegedly giving people herpes. Allegedly. re you there, God? Its me, Britney Betch, why cant I have nice things? In court papers published on Wednesday, back in 2012 Usher reportedly paid a woman 1.1 million dollars in a settlement after giving her herpes. HERPES. So, aside from finding out that his chick on the side had one on the way, his confessions should also include spreading genital herpes. Brb just going to rethink my entire throwback playlist now. Its assumed that around 2009 or 2010, the same time he filed for divorce from his ex-wife, Usher contracted herpes as one does. Damn. That must have been one lit divorce finalization party. Usher went on to date some celeb stylist who would like to remain anonymous, obviously. Sometime during their time together he consciously and purposefully had unprotected sex with her and withheld his herpes diagnosis.

This poor, unfortunate woman even asked him about the greenish discharge coming from HIS PENIS and because Usher is a lying piece of shit he told her that it was fine. The only reason she even found out she had herpes was because she suffered from fever, chills, and vaginal sores. VAGINAL. SORES.

My immediate reaction to this information is:

And also:

I have so many questions here, like how bad must the herpes flare-up have been for her to notice a greenish discharge coming out of his penis mid-sex? And why wasnt that an immediate red flag for her to move her vagina to a different planet from his penis? Id also really like to know what Ushers excuse was for green goo to be coming out of his dick that she was like k sounds good. I mean, I know Usher is smooth, but I didn’t realize he was can-adequately-account-for-green-penis-goo smooth. This is the man who gave us Justin Beiber, people. 

In typical fuckboy fashion, Usher claims to be innocent of having and spreading a sexual disease though he did pay for all of her medical bills and casually settled this dispute in court for 1.1 million dollars. Yeah, sounds suspect AF.

Also, we need to talk about that amount of money for a minute. Is 1.1 million dollars enough money to make up for someone giving you an incurable disease that will make people run screaming from your vagina for the rest of your life? IS IT?? Ill be bringing this v important “would you rather” question up at my next pregame, but in the meantime lets all revel in Usher circa 2004 before he endangered a womans sexual health:

Yes, LET IT BURN, Usher. Just like your sex life.

Read more: http://www.betches.com/usher-pays-herpes-settlement